What Tonza Wants: Over 40 and Dating (5 Traits of an Ideal Mate for Me)

I recently read an interesting article about what men in my age group are attracted to. I thought this article did a wonderful job of providing some insight into the mind of a mature man seeking companionship. It also led to some introspection on my part…What do I want? After careful consideration, while blasting Ella Mai’s Naked a time or two, here is what I came up with:

With terms out here like “thirsty”, “desperate”, and “ho”, a woman sometimes feels completely paralyzed when it comes to expressing herself. Despite the potential labels, I make every effort to be transparent. According to my friends, it is because my game is weak :-).

Who has time for games at 48? Say what you mean and mean what you say. Plain and simple. Life is too short, and you may miss your chance at true happiness because you are so busy playing games.


Consistency– Take whatever time you need to figure out if you are attracted to someone enough to make them a real part of your life. And for those of you that feel like a person is taking too long, please stay away from ultimatums. Do you really want to spend your life with someone that you forced to be with you? Really?

With that being said, once we have it all figured out and are on the same page, I need consistency. If I cannot depend on you to be a steady force in my life, then you are probably not the one for me.


Appreciation– We live in a world that requires us to be anything but kind. That “survival of the fittest” mentality does not exist in my personal life. If I care about you, I am a kind, giving and selfless person. My mother and close friends have often told me that I am too nice.

I have come across some people that have taken my kindness for granted. Despite these bumps in the road, I always manage to return to my core belief that the right person will appreciate my kindness.

If your natural inclination is to take advantage of kindness, you are not for me. Appreciation, appreciation, appreciation!


Strength– My life as a mother and a professional, requires me to feel like I have to be in control, able to make sound decisions and take action constantly. So, honestly, the last thing I want to do is be involved with someone that requires the same. Quite frankly, in my intimate life, I want a man that is strong, self-assured, and able to take the lead.

This does not mean that I am looking for a control freak. In fact, control freaks do not possess the type of presence that I am referring to. Strong, confident, self-assured men give off an energy that makes me, a strong woman, naturally defer to him.

Time– My life is extremely busy. Honestly, if I focused on everything I had going on in my life, I could go through life and never have time for an intimate, loving relationship. But the truth is, I have no desire to be alone and unloved. So, despite my hectic schedule, I make time for my partner. As such, I want a partner who makes time for me. If someone is always telling me how busy they are as a means to justify why they do not have time for me, I know that what we have is not a priority for them. As the saying goes, “We all make time for the things that matter.”


Intimacy– Society teaches girls that they should suppress their sexual desires in order to avoid being labeled. As a result, many of us go through our early years without exploring or expressing, what makes us happy. By the time a woman gets to be my age, she is comfortable in her skin and wondering, “why are men having all of the fun?”

Plain and simple, sex is natural and should be enjoyed by both parties involved.

I want a person that:

  • allows me to safely express my wants and desires
  • understands mental and physical stimulation is very much a part of intimacy for me
  • is affectionate

There you have it! What Tonza wants.

What are your wants and desires in a relationship? Let’s continue the dialogue.

Much love,


Published by Tonza D. Ruffin

Perfectly Imperfect but VERY PROUD WOMAN, MOM, LAWYER, and AUTHOR, but most importantly...LIFE LOVER! I laugh loud, I work hard, I play hard, I am adventurous, I am curious, I am driven, I have moments of deep insecurity, I am loving, I am vulnerable, I am explosive (not one of my finer qualities), I dance around my house alone, I am an awful perfectionist which makes my insecurity worse, I sing out loud in my car without any concern for whose watching, I have trust issues, I do not live through my children, I no longer try to force my children into the mold that I created so that I could feel validated as a mother, I am a risk-taker, I am guarded in my personal life, I am kind, I am grateful. I am so excited about the rest of my life!

5 thoughts on “What Tonza Wants: Over 40 and Dating (5 Traits of an Ideal Mate for Me)

  1. I truly believe and agree in your thoughts. I don’t agree with being told your too nice. Do some people try to take advantage of a person that’s extremely nice, of course. You have to care with your head and your heart. But having said that , I’ve always believed to truly love someone you need to be willing to hand them your heart and hope they take care of it with all their being.

      1. You say a lot but I’m wondering in a few parts that don’t run concurrent, such as wanting someone to take lead but not a control freak.

      2. I don’t believe you have to be a control freak in order to be a leader. Do you?

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