The “F” Word: The Woes of Being Over 40 and Dating

Apparently, I did not get the 2019 single woman’s memo, the “F” word is never to be raised, or discussed until you have been dating/seeing someone for a solid 6 months, year, 2 years…maybe NEVER.

Up until his visceral rejection of my revelation, I thought we were kind of feeling each other despite the fact that we were still in the “getting to know one another” phase (Boy, I wish I would have gotten the memo). I was “taken aback”, to say the least, when he chuckled during our conversation and asked, “Tonza, are you catching feelings?” “UMMMMMMM…” (long pause on my end as I stared out into the wild blue yonder). “Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do like you…” (uncomfortable laughter followed by a slight pause on his end as he tried to figure out how to respond).

Maybe he felt I wasn’t being a “proper southern woman” when I decided to bring the “F” word up after only a couple of dates/interactions/chance meetings (hell, I don’t even know what to call those anymore). Maybe my revelation gave him visions of me locking him in my basement and keeping him there for only me to admire (I do not have a basement by the way :-)). I really don’t know what happened. What I do know NOWWWWW is that the “F” word seems to be synonymous with the “L” word (no, I am not referring to Lesbian), and the mention of it will send some men off the deep end.

For all of you people that are thoroughly confused right now, get your mind out of the gutter, “F” stands for Feelings, not…

Now that we are all on the same page…one thing that you have to understand to truly appreciate how I felt is that I am extremely GUARDED!!! Since my return to singledom (is that a word?), my friends have lightly suggested that I need to work on letting my GUARD down if I am going to have any chance of meeting my true love. In fact, during one of our many wine nights, Joan jokingly said, “Tonza, you do realize that your knight in shining armor is not going to just walk up to your door, knock, and announce himself?” Reality check complete, I decided to knock a couple of the bricks down that kept me feeling safe as a 45+ single woman. Since then, when I have put the bricks back up, my friends have been right there to remove them again, encourage me, and keep me open to the possibility.

When I shared this scenario with my best friend, she was a little stumped, and, at a loss for words. After I assured her that my expression of feelings did not come with a 30-day plan to move in with the guy, or a 90-day marriage proposal, all she could offer was, “girl, whatever feelings you have out there, I need for you to snatch those b!#$es back, and tuck them away.” Of course, being the dramatic person that she is, it was not enough for her to make the comment, she also had to demonstrate by throwing her hands in the air as though she were catching fireflies and pulling them close to her chest as she peeked through her closed fist, admiring the glow.

Polling a few other women did not get me any closer to understanding why the “F” word seemed to be taboo. And, of course, there was no chance in hell I was going to try to delve any deeper with him for understanding. So, I decided to reach out to relationship strategist Jay Thomas for some insight from the male perspective. Not only was Jay willing to provide me with insight, he agreed to share his thoughts with you all as well.

I started reading Jay’s blog Relationships Etcetera a couple of years ago and have been following him ever since. It is rare that I come across a man that openly acknowledges that he has a “ridiculous passion for Love, Dating, and Relationships,” so I was intrigued. His writing is candid and insightful and gives a clear picture of the male thought process when it comes to matters of the heart.

Stay tuned. On Tuesday, Jay will be dropping his knowledge on the “F” word, from a male perspective.

Much love,


Published by Tonza D. Ruffin

Perfectly Imperfect but VERY PROUD WOMAN, MOM, LAWYER, and AUTHOR, but most importantly...LIFE LOVER! I laugh loud, I work hard, I play hard, I am adventurous, I am curious, I am driven, I have moments of deep insecurity, I am loving, I am vulnerable, I am explosive (not one of my finer qualities), I dance around my house alone, I am an awful perfectionist which makes my insecurity worse, I sing out loud in my car without any concern for whose watching, I have trust issues, I do not live through my children, I no longer try to force my children into the mold that I created so that I could feel validated as a mother, I am a risk-taker, I am guarded in my personal life, I am kind, I am grateful. I am so excited about the rest of my life!

One thought on “The “F” Word: The Woes of Being Over 40 and Dating

Share Your Thoughts

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: