The Confrontation


He would never admit that he was wrong. If, by chance, he decided to admit that he was wrong, he would blame me for his behavior.

That is how it had been throughout our relationship. I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t … Now, don’t get me wrong, I gave him some good material to work with, but, it was exhausting and debilitating having to take the blame for not only my actions but his too. Despite the historical pattern, I naively hoped for a different outcome this time and had told myself if he would 1) just be honest, and 2) not give me the “I did it because you” speech, I would stay.

On the day that I confronted him, he came to my office and hung out for the town Christmas Parade.

Surrounded by family and friends, I kept a smile on my face and carried along with business, as usual, all the while watching him. To look at him, one would have never guessed that he was meeting and talking to another woman as often as his life as a father and husband, permitted. I guess I was not the only one in our family who had mastered the art of wearing a mask!

As the evening wound down, we found ourselves alone, upstairs in my office. Unable to hold it in any longer, I confronted him. 

I honestly don’t remember the words that I spoke, but I do vividly remember the rush of anger and pain that erupted from within as I began telling him that I knew.  Staring into his eyes as I spoke, I could see him trying to process at lightning speed as he tried to figure out what I knew and didn’t know.  Knowing that I knew something, he could not outright deny this one like he had done the others.   However, the words that came from his mouth, when he mustered up the nerve to speak, nearly floored me, “Honey, I made it very clear to her that I was not looking for a relationship.  I just wanted someone to talk to because I was so fearful that you were leaving me.  And I had no one else to talk to because my family and friends were tired of listening to me.  SHE GAVE ME HOPE FOR US.”

WTF? Was he serious? Yes, of course, he was.  Lie to the end. That had been his mantra throughout our relationship.

Still not knowing how much I knew, he continued to process and simply repeat, amongst other things, that he was not looking for a relationship, and he had made that clear to her.

Certainly not offering to call “Ms. Hopeful” in my presence, after escaping from my tirade, my husband jumped in his truck and immediately dialed her number.  Not realizing that my friend was sitting right there with “Ms. Hopeful” as he started talking, he proceeded to tell her that I knew about her and began to devise operation “cover our asses”.

By the time we both drove up in our driveway, an hour later, he had managed to contain her enough to…get this… volunteer to call her in my presence so that she could confirm that it was nothing going on between them.  I laughed as he offered this opportunity, knowing that he had no clue that I knew he had practically talked to her all the way home.

I guess I couldn’t blame anyone but myself for this ridiculous story.  After all, I had accepted every other ridiculous story he spun in the past.

We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry
  • After his phone records showed that he was calling one of his exes as soon as he left our house, and, talking late into the night while he was away on business, his story was, he was only trying to help her “find a job” with his company and he did not see anything wrong with being helpful.   In fact, to this day he maintains “the helpful” story despite the fact that the woman confirmed that their conversations were definitely not centered around her “job security”.
  • When he told me on another occasion that he was going to stay at his mom’s because he just wasn’t ready to return home, he later gave me a story about deciding to stay with his cousin at the last minute because he just didn’t want to have to talk about what was wrong with us.   This explanation only came, of course, after he learned that I knew he wasn’t at his mother’s house.
  • When he butt dialed me as he was buying rounds of drinks for a group of young girls in the bar, he told me I did not understand the executive culture, and it was common for executives to buy drinks for women.

Finally, realizing he would ALWAYS be armed with an excuse for his inappropriate behavior, I sunk into a state of acceptance. 

Accepting  that I was in a relationship with a man that would cheat and never afford me the peace of admitting that his behavior was wrong and painful to endure.

Was this what commitment and marriage was supposed to be like? 

Yes, in my case, it was.  And the longer I stayed, the more ammunition I gave him because my detachment, in order to preserve my sanity, made him feel more justified in seeking attention from other women.

Although I am still trying to figure out all of the lessons to be learned, here are a few lessons that are crystal clear to me now:

  • Lesson 1: Sometimes the only way to break the cycle is to leave. 
  • Lesson 2: Trust your instinct.
  • Lesson 3:  It is not enough to ask a potential mate if they believe in commitment.  Find out what commitment truly means to that person.  While it seems pretty self- explanatory, you might just be surprised at the explanation you get.
The mind replays what the heart can't delete

Much Love,


Published by Tonza D. Ruffin

Perfectly Imperfect but VERY PROUD WOMAN, MOM, LAWYER, and AUTHOR, but most importantly...LIFE LOVER! I laugh loud, I work hard, I play hard, I am adventurous, I am curious, I am driven, I have moments of deep insecurity, I am loving, I am vulnerable, I am explosive (not one of my finer qualities), I dance around my house alone, I am an awful perfectionist which makes my insecurity worse, I sing out loud in my car without any concern for whose watching, I have trust issues, I do not live through my children, I no longer try to force my children into the mold that I created so that I could feel validated as a mother, I am a risk-taker, I am guarded in my personal life, I am kind, I am grateful. I am so excited about the rest of my life!

20 thoughts on “The Confrontation

  1. If I could sit down and just tell you have my life is coming through these blogs!!

    1. It is amazing how many of us suffer in silence because we are so worried about how people will perceive us. At the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter what people think. Peace and happiness should be our number one priority.

  2. As we all at one time thought our relationships would be much better as we matured. Now we know that’s a joke.

  3. Reading this brings me to tears because for to long this was me just not married. The hardest thing to do is one of the easiest things to do just simply leave. No one never knows the next person struggle in life.

  4. We guys are so good at making excuses. It took me a while, but now I confront myself. I hurt my wife heart badly (she is filing for divorce). I deserve it. I’m sorry you had to go thru our lying ways and cover up.

  5. It really is very insightful; hmm seems like I’ve been down that path before😄. Seriously it’s very hurtful, the lies, deceits, behavior that will have you second guessing yourself. But it’s so true we often sink into acceptance and become Ms Hopeful that he will see the era of his ways. But truth is he/she often don’t see a thing wrong with their behavior. Commitment? What’s that? Define please? For some its commitment only for the moments with you and it shifts to commitment with another when he/she is with another. And often we punish ourselves repeatedly with insisting he/she tells us cause we need to hear the words. My older sister once said to me…he’s telling you in his actions. SO TRUE. Maya Angelou says…when people show you who they are believe it. We should live by that more🙂

  6. It’s amazing how, when you’re going through things like this, you feel so alone, like you’re the only one. When, actually, there are a lot of people out there going through the same things, hiding their pain behind fake smiles. Looking back, I see how lost I had become and how far I was from the real me that I used to be. Over these past few months I have learned so much about myself and seen where and how broken I was. I know now, that the reason I held on so long was, 1 I didn’t want to look like a failure and 2 I didn’t want to face and confront the situation and let everyone know how bad things were. I know that a lot of people knew things weren’t good, but for them to find out how bad it was, just seemed harder to face than the same abuse every day. Now, the only thing I regret, is that I took way too long to do it. But, I am picking myself up and trying my best to regroup and go on with a better life.

  7. I commend you on writing this blog Tonza! It brings light to every female that has been cheated on, abused and lied to. Thank you so much for lightening a lot of our lives because this blog has opened my eyes to a lot of things! Be blessed!

Share Your Thoughts

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: