No Hoping Allowed

My friends are the dating gurus, or at least they think they are.  More importantly, they think I am absolutely clueless when it comes to dating. I will admit I am partially to blame.  Sometimes I enjoy playing  clueless” with folks.  It makes them relax and the expressions on peoples faces when I go into “clueless” mode is priceless.  Lol!

Anyway… my friends have taken me on as their project and have decided to provide me with the keys to a successful dating relationship.  Here are 5 tips that they have shared with me recently:

Tonza, do not go into a dating situation “hopeful”.

In my Awkward Black Girl voice, “WTF”?

Tonza, Iyanla Vanzant said that too many women go into dating situations hoping: he is the one, they are going to have a future together, he is going to ask her to marry him.

Okay, okay I get that to a degree. I think it is a little weird to go out on your first date and have visions of you in a wedding gown walking toward this dude.  Well, totally weird.

But, basically what I hear you saying is, I should waste my time and energy going out and getting to know someone while being “hopeless” the entire time.  I really hope I don’t like you! I really hope that we don’t have to do this again! I really hope that you don’t intellectually stimulate me!  I really hope you don’t make me laugh!  I really hope you say something so ignorant that I have to wonder why I agreed to go out with you in the first place!

Really???? Are you kidding me? How is that fun!

Tonza, can you leave the “man repellent” at home this time?

So there are not a lot of men beating my door down asking for dates. I always seem to get approached by the “keep it moving” guys.  A “keep it moving” guy is a guy that decides to approach me, as he is leaving, to say something slick like “Ma, I was checking you out and I just wanted you to know that you are fine”.

Okay, so what is the point of telling me that as you are walking out the door and we will more than likely never see each other again.  And, did you just call me “Ma”?

Of course my friends say this is ALL my fault because I always spray on my “man repellent”! According to them whenever I am in a situation where there are men around I subconsciously give off the “don’t even think about talking to me vibe”.  I don’t smile and look inviting.

Okay, okay! Maybe that is true to an extent.  But… Isn’t there something sexy about that dude that has enough machismo to approach you anyway?  Or, as another friend put it, whose “confidence is so on fleek” that he doesn’t even smell the repellent.

Silence in the room as they give me the LL Cool J face and make me think about that for a second. LOL!

Tonza please make sure you stay dialed down to 2 during this  “hopeless”,  get to know you phase.

You know your personality can be…SIGH… overwhelming and you will scare the poor guy away. And, definitely none of that “Change the World” talk during this phase.

Yes, my bestie says I am usually on 10 and overpowering.  According to her it is frightening and will turn guys off.

But, isn’t the point of dating to get to know people and figure out if there is someone out there that can deal with my 10 personality?  My friends love me at 10 so why wouldn’t my man?

Tonza, OMG, seriously?  We are your friends!!!! Men don’t connect with women like that! Not in the initial phase anyway!


Tonza, men like it when you are interested in the things that they are interested in.

Focus on their interest.

Okay….I can do that.  I like getting to know people and I like for people to get to know me.

Tonza, you aren’t listening!  Men, like it when you are interested in the things that they are interested in.  I did not say anything about them being interested in the things that you are interested in.  That’s what your friends are for!

Okay… so basically what your saying is I shouldn’t even bother to really talk about myself. And, if I slip up and tell him about what a shitty day I had I shouldn’t be offended when he looks at me, smiles, and proceeds to talk about his plans for the weekend?  And the reason I shouldn’t be offended is because I am supposed to only be focused on making sure I show interest in the things he is interested in.

RIGHT!!! YOU GOT IT! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU TONZA! (my bestie would totally say this is NOT what she meant! lol!)

Tonza, you don’t have to be clear on everything when you are getting to know someone, just relax and go with the flow.

Clarity is not always necessary!

RME (rolling my eyes). WTF does that even mean? Who wants to stay confused and in the gray zone when it is not necessary?  There is too much in life that I am already confused about, I do not want to be confused about what is going on during the “hopeless” period of getting to know someone.  And, wouldn’t clarity at this stage help me figure out if I am even trying to move to the “hopeful” stage?

Geez, my heard hurts. I am just going to have a glass of wine and lay on the couch!!

Anyone else out there have some friendly dating tips that they would like to share with me?  Of course, feel free to keep any of these for yourself! I’m sure my friends won’t mind 🙂

-Until Next Time

(this post was meant to be fun! If you are angry after reading it then you are taking yourself way too seriously.)

Author: Tonza D. Ruffin

Perfectly Imperfect but VERY PROUD WOMAN, MOM, LAWYER, and AUTHOR, but most importantly...LIFE LOVER! I laugh loud, I work hard, I play hard, I am adventurous, I am curious, I am driven, I have moments of deep insecurity, I am loving, I am vulnerable, I am explosive (not one of my finer qualities), I dance around my house alone, I am an awful perfectionist which makes my insecurity worse, I sing out loud in my car without any concern for whose watching, I have trust issues, I do not live through my children, I no longer try to force my children into the mold that I created so that I could feel validated as a mother, I am a risk-taker, I am guarded in my personal life, I am kind, I am grateful. I am so excited about the rest of my life!

5 thoughts


  2. 😂😂😂 I can’t wait until you come to Philly. My recommendation is don’t worry about dating with a purpose, have fun, think of it as a form of entertainment and you’ll know when it’s worth your time and energy.

  3. Dr. Myles Monroe wrote a book titled; “SINGLE, MARRIED, SEPARATED, & DIVORCED.” It’s a great read because it touches every area of life pertaining to relationships. Dr. Myles Monroe was a very profound teacher & the wisdom given to him by God will definitely give you clarity & surely stimulate your intellect…You can thank me later, become one with the knowledge given in the book & allow your mind & heart to be liberated. AMEN

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