Let’s talk about that “F” word.
In her previous post, The “F” Word, Tonza spoke about her misadventures in dating. The moment when your feelings develop and the gut-ripping moment when a man doesn’t acknowledge said feelings. Consequently, he begins to create a rift or gap between you two so wide that it would make the Grand Canyon look like a walk across the street.
We can be completely out of touch with our feelings at times. Hell, a lot of the time.
To get to the root of this Scooby Doo mystery we have to split up and go back to childhood. Without going too deep, just think about how we have traditionally raised our boys. How often do we teach them to focus on understanding and embracing their feelings? When I was a child it was more about being tough, no crying, being hard, untouchable, insensitive and fearless. As a result, we have a culture that is predicated on men who are completely oblivious to their own feelings.
We may actually feel something
But how do we even know what the heck the feeling is? It’s like the first time we wake up in the middle of the night and you’re sticky wet. Like, What the hell is this? You don’t know what you don’t know. Complete and utter ignorance of ones feelings is quite defeating and dangerous. Even worse, a woman that actually understands what she’s feeling and expresses those feeling to a man that doesn’t understand his own feelings, results in…
Tonza, are you catching feelings?
This is a prototype response from a man that is basically saying… I hope you’re not feeling anything serious, because I know I’m not. Furthermore, men like to keep things simple. When it’s determined that your emotions are going higher than a predetermined level we didn’t tell you about, we take that as complex. It goes against our grand plan to keep things… basic.
I was just talking to a group of co-workers today that will be on my upcoming podcast. We talked about marriage and I told them that To some men, anything beyond pelvis bumping, a few outings and some Netflix is complex and requires way too much brain power and emotional investment. Marriage is conformity to societal norms. Hence, the reaction you get whenever you express your feelings, “prematurely.” That man doesn’t want to conform to the idea that he may be feeling something. Admitting this would be an admittance of weakness.
I know I’m not helping.
This isn’t what a woman would want to hear. Harsh reality really. I know thousands of men. A lot are out of touch with their feelings to a large degree and consistently misinterpret their emotions. We seem to be in touch with feelings and actions of aggression and less in-touch with understanding why we feel the way we do. This is where women tend to be stronger. As a result, whenever you express yourself at a time a man considers it to be too early, you will get the above reaction.
Lastly, If you’re searching for the next steps, there really aren’t any. However, I’ll leave you with this little nugget. Setting yourself up for success all starts from inception. An example of this would be, a lot of women struggle with discernment. You can boost your discernment by having more meaningful conversations with a man you’re interested in before you go out on a date with him. Here are a few questions you can ask.
Talk more, date less.
Engage the man you’re interested in. Find out how he feels, encourage him to open up and express his feelings, experiences, and views before you end up at a restaurant, movies or any romantic situation that may blur your vision. Moreover, don’t change who you are. Let your instincts lead you. Make sure you take your time and let him lead the way.