I was recently told that I am so good at being alone. I paused for a moment when I heard this because I know the messenger meant it as a compliment. Or at least that is what I choose to believe.
Part of me simply wanted to be the nice, agreeable woman that he needed me to be. The woman that shielded and protected him by managing his exposure to my deepest thoughts and desires. You see, I had learned, over time, there were limitations on his willingness to be exposed to my deepest thoughts and desires. He wanted all of the emotion and passion that came with a woman like me, BUT only at times that were convenient for him. My inability to pack it up and put it away when he wanted me to was something I constantly battled with during our interactions. I had come to believe that I was flawed because I could not bring myself to celebrate the rations of himself that he had managed to throw my way at times that were suited to him. After all, I was the woman that was so good at being alone.
This was one of the times. I did not feel like celebrating my aloneness, or loneliness, to be quite honest. Being alone was not something that I aspired to or even wanted to be good at. It was something that I did because I had to. It was something that I did because I had chosen to share my space with a man that sprinkled a little hope my way only when it appeared I had reached the point of wanting to live in reality as opposed to the world of “what ifs”.
Ironically, when I came full circle, I realized shielding and protecting him was pointless. Why was I trying so hard to pack it up and put it away? If I unpacked, what was the worst-case scenario? He might end things and cast me off as being too much to deal with? Well, I was already alone with a few glimmers of exhausting hope being tossed my way. And quite frankly, the hope of things to come was exhausting as hell. And, as he so nicely pointed out, I was good at being alone. So, why would I choose to be alone and mentally exhausted over merely being alone?
As I unpacked, I reminded myself that I made a decision to choose happiness over complacency when I began this journey of living with intention. Happiness is taken over by complacency when one packs it up and puts it away so much that they lose sight of the passion and desire they once had for life; they lose sight of the passion and desire they once had for love.
When it comes to matters of the heart, I am still seeking. Seeking that person that wants to give me his time, his energy, his love. Seeking that person that will not only remain present while I unpack but will help me unpack. Seeking that person that doesn’t need me to be so good at being alone.
For all of you out there trying to manifest meaningful relationships, know that you are not alone! Whenever you feel like your path to peace is being interrupted, simply say to yourself, “I CHOOSE HAPPINESS OVER COMPLACENCY.” Eventually, you will get back on track.