My teenager will be graduating from high school in the Spring of 2017. Of course, I am thrilled about her reaching this milestone.
But, along with that excitement, I carry a heavy heart.
Looking back over the years, I am acutely aware of the fact that I didn’t live up to my end of the bargain as her mommy. And, I DO NOT get to press rewind for a second chance.
People have always said I favored my middle child and was extremely overprotective. In reality I was dealing with the guilt of my teenager growing up during some of the most tumultuous times of my life.
My fear of financial instability and my Type A personality made me a workaholic as she was growing up. My strong desire to have a nuclear, “Huxtable like” family led to me staying with a physically and mentally abusive man far longer than I should have.
It wasn’t until I left my marriage and the girls and I moved into our humble home in Windsor that I realized I had missed the mark.
Actually, I knew I was missing the mark for years. So, I guess my move forced me to face my reality. For years, as a way of coping with my failing marriage, I worked tirelessly to create a comfortable, cozy home for my girls to retreat to. Placing a band-aid over the gaping stab wound, I hoped a beautiful home would compensate for all the arguing and fighting my children were exposed to.
When we moved, my teenager, known for being slightly territorial (mommy code word for selfish), announced that her Xbox One did not have to go in her room. She was okay if it was in the living room, and she was completely fine with her little sister playing it all she wanted.
Yes, I know that sounds so incredibly simple to you. But, it came as a complete shock to me and my little one. We actually stood there in silence for a minute, wondering if we had heard her correctly or if this was some imposter impersonating my teenager. When I finally picked my mouth up off the floor, I thanked her and acknowledged the kindness she was exhibiting. However, I was silenced again when she said, “I am finally in a place that feels like home to me.” It was at that point that I was forced to face reality. All those years of decorating did nothing to prevent or repair any damage that was being done to my kids as they were raised in a volatile household.
No, I DO NOT GET a do-over. But, each day we wake up is another opportunity for me to value my time with my girls and surround them with unconditional love. So, I have decided to spend a little less energy on waiting for a better and brighter future and a little more energy on enjoying the present time I have with them. Despite our material setbacks, our home is full of love, peace, and happiness right now! And, right now, that is all that matters!!!!
Much Love,
Tonza
You are an awesome mother and woman. I’m glad you are free to live, love & laugh!!!
Thank you!
Beautifully said!!!
Thank you!
I really enjoy reading your blog and I applaud you for showing the world your flaws and mistakes most couldn’t do that!
Some people believe that I am too open but at this stage in my life I no longer feel like I have to put on the mask and go through life numb and empty! Thank you for reading!
I have been following your blog hun and commend you for your honessty, strength and bravery in sharing. When you posted, ” Infidelity does not come from a lack of love, it comes from a lack of respect, ” it put into words something i and im sure so many others have experienced but had no words to describe. I found myself sharing that blog with someone going through the same. So my love to you and heartfelt thanks for sharing your walk!
Thanks Janine! I know that there are many people that can relate to my journey but are not willing or able to be open about what they are going through. I hope that my openness will help at least one person that feels the pain is unbearable.
TRB…I got so caught up in my comment i forgot to add how much your NYC family loves and misses you and the girls and all our country ffamily. There are so many of my feeelings in your words. Keep this blog going strong for everyone . Love ya!
I miss you guys too! I am hoping to get to NYC soon! Of course you know I want some peas and rice 🙂 Love you guys!
How we would all love to have some “do overs’. Lesson lived , lesson learned and you are moving forward beautifully and the girls get to see that. Can’t wait to see you.
I have always loved and admired you, Ms Tonza, l have come to believe in life that God does mot make any mistakes,..He takes us thri experiences to take us were we are supposed to be. If you don’t have experiences life would be so dull! You are an awesome mother and wonderful person. God’s blessings and peace to uou and your girls.