I Want a Behind the Scenes Man

Of course, I do not know all of the factors that go into a man determining whether or not he is attracted to a woman.

As women we all have experienced that man staring at us like we are a piece of pork chop on a plate. Hell, the beauty and clothing industry makes “gazillion’s” of dollars from women who are striving to permanently be on “fleek”. So, it is safe to say that physical features play a role.

I have heard men say they want a strong, independent woman. So, I guess it is safe to say that self-sufficient women get attention.

I have heard men say that they are attracted to women that can intellectually stimulate them. So, I guess it is also safe to say that intelligent women get attention.

As women, we strive for the level of excellence we deem necessary to keep our men engaged and committed. So, we are constantly trying to be that sexy, intellectual goddess that he envisioned us as when the “relationship dance” began. If you are giving me the side-eye right now, don’t worry, your time is coming. Or, you have managed to hit the jackpot by finding your “Behind the Scenes” man, and, you are snuggled up next to him right now.

Recently I talked about our need to teach our girls that they need to participate in the relationship selection process. Meaning, girls/women should not limit themselves to trying to figure out what it is the man is looking for, and, trying to fit that bill. Instead, they should be asking themselves what they are looking for in love.

After that talk, I had a moment of self-reflection and realized that, I too had to do a better job of participating in the selection process. It was then that I decided, amongst other things,  I want a “Behind the Scenes” man. And, I am willing to bet, after reading this blog post, you will want one too :-).

The reality is, it is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to stay in a state of perfection if they are  searching for a long-standing, meaningful relationship. While men seem comfortable letting their guard down and showing us all of their ‘messiness’ pretty early on, we, as women, are extremely guarded about exposing our ‘messy’ side. As a result, we are driving ourselves “bat shit crazy”. So it is imperative that we, stop, breathe and reevaluate the men that we are allowing into our lives.

A “Behind the Scenes” man’s love and appreciation does not end when the spotlight goes off. He is the man that, not only publicly celebrates your accomplishments, but, is there to encourage and support you when you are overwhelmed. He is the man that can appreciate you in his t-shirt and your yoga pants as much as he appreciates you in your “power suit”. He is the man that loves you despite his knowledge of your deepest insecurities. He is the man that will kiss away the tears that the world knows nothing about. He is the man that has the ability to let you know you are being “messy” without judgment. He is the man that can look you in the eye and say, “I love your dirty drawers”, and, mean it.

Simply put, he sees you when you are at your worst. And, despite the fact that you have given him all access, he loves you.

Much love,


Published by Tonza D. Ruffin

Perfectly Imperfect but VERY PROUD WOMAN, MOM, LAWYER, and AUTHOR, but most importantly...LIFE LOVER! I laugh loud, I work hard, I play hard, I am adventurous, I am curious, I am driven, I have moments of deep insecurity, I am loving, I am vulnerable, I am explosive (not one of my finer qualities), I dance around my house alone, I am an awful perfectionist which makes my insecurity worse, I sing out loud in my car without any concern for whose watching, I have trust issues, I do not live through my children, I no longer try to force my children into the mold that I created so that I could feel validated as a mother, I am a risk-taker, I am guarded in my personal life, I am kind, I am grateful. I am so excited about the rest of my life!

7 thoughts on “I Want a Behind the Scenes Man

  1. From my standpoint your last paragraph hits the nail on the head. I agree totally. I’ve said this to my three Son’s as they became teenager’s, and I still believe it today, “Any woman can make herself look PRETTY but a BEAUTIFUL woman is from the inside out. “

  2. Love this blog. I also want to add that a man who is truly involved in his relationship will be multi-faceted in how he supports his woman. In fact, most of his work will go unnoticed (except by his lady). The public will only see the results of the investment. He will not seek public accolades either, he will support his woman selflessly and encourage her consistently. Even when his woman is more successful than he is, this changes nothing. She still requires his strength. From the outside the world will think… “wow she’s so strong…” But “behind the scenes…” there is work done by both parties that no one sees. The strength is in the team, more than the individual. They create a synergy together.

    1. “Strength in the Team” – love it! You are absolutely right about the incredible role that a “Behind the Scenes” man plays in the life of his woman.

  3. Good day!
    So, I see I REALLY misinterpreted the “Behind the Scenes Man”……. LOLOL Yeah, I went there!!!! Yes, I want a women to BE herself, like I want to be MYSELF ……. In my OPINION, the strength of a relationship is NOT what is SEEN in the light (outside) BUT what is DONE in the dark (where no one can see)…..Once again Councilor, you hit the nail on the head…… Caio…

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