I have had my share of heartbreak. Most of my heartbreak came from one man. Just one. And when I say that he broke my heart, that’s what I mean. He is the only man that I can say that I have ever really loved. The end of that relationship almost felt like a death for me. It wasn’t the fact that I was going to be alone; it was that I did not see it coming. I’m not saying that our relationship was perfect, but I took vows in a church, in front of my family and friends, while I looked into his eyes and said I do. And I meant it. I’m not saying he didn’t mean his vows. I wouldn’t go that far. But I know what I had planned and divorce was not it. We weren’t married long, but he was supposed to be the last man I ever loved. He was supposed to be the only man I said I do to and he was supposed to be the man that I grew old with. So when he left, I was devastated.
In the midst of my heartbreak, I did a lot of stupid things. I made a lot of questionable choices. I think I did that because I was trying to fight against the reality of what was going on. I wanted to be numb to it. I wanted to overwrite the pain with new feelings that did not cause me to cry when I thought about us. I wanted to be able to hear the song we first danced to at our wedding without immediately changing the radio station. I wanted to be able to date another man without constantly comparing him to my ex in my head. I realized much, much later that by denying myself the heartache, I did not let myself heal. I put a bandage over my heart and kept it moving. Doing that caused me to leave the door open for him in the hopes of being able to have my dream of us come to life again. So for very short periods of time, he would come back, but he wouldn’t stay. I would say I was over him, but I would let him back in again and again. And he would break my heart again and again.
My dream of us never came true. It took me a long time to come to the realization that he was not going to be the man that I so desperately wanted him to be. But after a lot of tears and soul searching, I can say that I am finally ok with that. I think sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to heal from certain situations or relationships. That failure to heal causes us to not be able to grow and move on to better things. We are so caught up in our feelings that we can’t see the forest for the trees. We hold on to what we think we want, even while knowing that it is probably not going to happen or knowing that it’s not what’s best for us. Sometimes you have to be willing to feel some uncomfortable things and deal with some unfortunate feelings. You have to come to terms with the pain or you won’t know happiness that is on the other side. I never thought I would be happy being single after being divorced. But luckily I didn’t let the pain of my heartbreak keep me from moving forward. I don’t know if I’ll ever fall in love again or meet my forever man, but I can say that if it happens, the trees will not be in my way.