I get so angry with myself sometimes when I think about my past.
Have you ever wished you could go back in time and knock the hell out of yourself for some of the decisions you made? Of course you do. We all do. The question is how do you move past whatever bad choice you made and not dwell on it forever?
I never imagined this would be my life.
When I was young(er), I thought I would get married, have some kids and live happily ever after. I thought about what my career would be and where I would live, but it seemed like those things were very abstract. Maybe I would be a lawyer. Maybe I would live in North Carolina. Those were just things that would fall in place after I met my prince charming, he swept me off my feet, and we moved into our home with the white picket fence and had 1 and a possible children. Now, 10 years later, my life is anything except what I thought it would be.
Sure, I met a guy and got married.
But we also separated and got divorced. Sure, I have a son. But I am a single parent. All the things that I thought I wanted I got, but my reality never quite matched my dreams. Unexpectedly though, there is one thing that is true; I’m happy. I wake up in my house with my son every morning (except for those days when he’s being spoiled and doing whatever he wants with his grandparents). I work with both my parents and it’s (gasp) fun. Back in the day, I would have told you that you were surely doing some very expensive drugs if you thought I was ever going to work with my parents AND enjoy it. I have friends. Good friends. The kind that would pick up the phone at 3 am if I needed them. Some of these things are definitely things that I never thought about needing or even wanting 10 years ago. And if I hadn’t made some really poor decisions, I might not have them.
We make decisions, some conscious and some subconscious, that determine the outcome of our lives.
Some of those choices lead you down paths of success while others take you to places you would never wish on your worst enemy. When that happens, you still have a choice. To wallow in the what ifs and should haves or throw up some prayers to the Lord and make the best of what you have. Either way, life goes on. I’m glad I didn’t let my bad choices in the past close me off to my future because my present is more fulfilling than my younger self could have imagined. So every day I’m thankful because even though I could be stagnate and stuck in the past, I make the choice not to.